If it feels like your life is all about caring for others, well, it probably is. Many people in midlife find themselves stuck between two generations—caring for both parents and children while also holding a job and trying to carve out even a small amount of time for themselves.
“Sandwich generation caregivers face unique challenges,” says Veronica Bilicki, R.N., manager of the C.A.R.E. Program (Caregiver Assistance Resources and Education) at Henry Ford Health. “It can feel like all of your time and mental energy is devoted to caregiving for others, with no time left for yourself.”
Finding ways to balance your responsibilities—with regular doses of self-care—is the key to caregiving, without the burnout.
Who Are The Sandwich Generation?
The term “sandwich generation” generally refers to anyone who’s simultaneously taking care of their own children still at home as well as their aging parents. Most often, the sandwich generation encompasses adults in midlife—from their 40s through 60s. Roughly 25% of adults in the U.S. currently fall into this category.
Not all sandwich generation caregivers fit neatly into that description. “The term can encompass many different situations,” says Bilicki. “Instead of young children, you might have adult children who’ve returned home. Or the older adult you’re caring for may be a neighbor or friend instead of a parent.”
You also don’t have to be anyone’s primary caregiver to fall into this category. You might have parents who still live independently but need you to make all their doctors’ appointments and go with them. Or your parents might even live in an assisted living facility or nursing home, but still rely on you to oversee their care.
“Caregiving means any kind of unpaid support you provide for a loved one,” says Bilicki. “That can range from physically caring for them—feeding and changing them—to paying their bills and arranging social outings.”
Are You A Caregiver?
Sandwich Generation Burnout
Being in charge of care for both your parents and your kids at the same time isn’t an easy role. Doing those jobs (on top of your actual job) can be both mentally and physically difficult. It’s no surprise that you’re exhausted at the end of each day.
Sandwich generation challenges include a variety of physical, emotional, spiritual, logistical and financial responsibilities. The amount of time all these responsibilities take inevitably leads to stress, exhaustion and caregiver burnout.
It can also lead to health issues of your own. “While you’re juggling the stress and lack of time for yourself, you may actually start to decline too,” says Bilicki. “You might skip or put off your own doctors’ appointment, miss exercise and not have time to eat healthfully.”
Learning to say “no” can be an important part of your caregiver vocabulary. It can feel selfish to say no to doing something for your parents or your children. But recognizing when you need to say no can be healthy. “Remind yourself that it’s not selfish; it’s stress management and self-care,” says Bilicki.
Get Family Involved
Sandwich generation caregivers often feel isolated and alone in their struggles. But with an estimated 2.5 million adults in the U.S. in the same position, you’re far from alone. And one of the keys to successfully navigating sandwich generation caregiving is to connect with others.
Start by recognizing that you don’t (or shouldn’t) have to do all of the caretaking on your own. The first step is to enlist your family members. Although having aging parents who need care can cause some rifts and stress among siblings, it can also be an opportunity that brings you together. Some ways to work as a family include:
- Schedule a weekly or monthly family meeting: Whether it’s in person or virtual, it’s important to connect on a regular basis. You can discuss changing care needs, costs, scheduled appointments and other plans. Then each of you can decide which roles you’re able to fill.
- Don’t be afraid to delegate: Even family members who live far away can pitch in financially, call to schedule doctor appointments and regularly check in on a parent by phone.
- Get outside help when needed: Be realistic with your family about your limits. And when you’ve reached your limit, find ways to get additional help from other family members, friends, neighbors or a paid caregiver.
- Be proactive: If your parents’ needs are going to become greater over time, do what you can now to be prepared. Plan together, as a family, for their future care.
Caregiver Support and Self-Care
Taking care of yourself—while taking care of everyone else—can feel overwhelming. That’s why a strong support network is critical. If you have friends who are in the same caregiving sandwich, talk to them on a regular basis to share ideas, assistance or just to vent. Bilicki also recommends joining an in-person or virtual support group.
The best thing you can do for yourself and those you care for is to take care of your own needs. Because this can feel impossible at times, Bilicki suggests scheduling it. “Put on the calendar what you’re doing for yourself, and then plan around that for work and caregiving,” she says. That means giving yourself permission to block out time for whatever gives you joy—whether it’s going to the gym, meeting with a friend or going to a book group.
Whenever possible, find ways to incorporate your parents and your kids into your downtime. That gives you a break, without having to schedule additional caregivers. If you love to garden, for example, do it while the kids are playing in the backyard and your parents are relaxing on the patio. Everyone’s together, but you still get some much needed “me time.”
“It’s not selfish to take care of yourself,” says Bilicki. “Because if you don’t make your health a priority and something happens to you, who will take care of everyone else?”
Reviewed by Veronica Bilicki, R.N., manager of the C.A.R.E. Program (Caregiver Assistance Resources and Education) at Henry Ford Health.
